dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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