Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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