Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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