Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
