smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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