what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
