I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
