how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
