my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
