The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
