I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
