Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
