yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Floor bacon is actually really good
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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