you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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