I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
false alarm, still single
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