Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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