i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
