the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
