talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
