I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my shit smells like andre
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
