I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
