i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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