Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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