I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
vagina is talking i cant
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
