the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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