apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
