I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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