I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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