he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
