Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
