sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
