She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
