meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
