sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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