Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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