I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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