Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
