He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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