Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
