I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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