god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
