I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
