i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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