we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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