I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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