Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize