i permit you to call me
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
