whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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