So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
