i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
