I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
