I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
