I got chris browned last night
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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