the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
