they need to just BURY HIM!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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