I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We left an ass print on the piano.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
