I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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