I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize