Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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