Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
