It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
