You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize