she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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