got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
