I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
