Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
