just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
